Living with mental illness and having a relationship with someone who loves you and supports you is hard. Sometimes I feel I’m too broken for him to love me. Having someone in your life that gives his all to you everyday makes your life so much more.
Mine all started when I was young. I lived in a dysfunctional family. My step dad was a very abusive man to my mom, sister, and myself. He was physically abusive, emotionally abusive. EG…your stupid, can’t do anything right,. You start to feel worthless and your no good. There was times where I didn’t even want to exist anymore. I was so controlled and caged that when I ended up moving out when I was 16 I ended up feeling free and attaching myself to anyone to have that human interaction.
My relationships weren’t always good due to not having parents that loved each other and a parent that was not abusive to us children. I built walls to protect myself, I was the one that would hurt first so I wouldn’t get hurt. Communication is a big issue for me too. Always seeing my parents fight and my step father physical towards my mother. They never really talked only on the good days.
I had hard times during my middle 20’s when I dated someone that was the same as my step father. Living with him wasn’t healthy but I think about it now and realize that it was normal for me. I lived like that 4 years off and on. I was moved around everywhere away from family and friends. I lived in shelters to shelters at times with babies.
When I finally decided to leave the situation thats when I met my husband. He was not like the rest. He was caring and loving and for myself that was something I wasn’t use to. I still built walls to protect myself because I was always waiting for him to leave or hit me or call me names. He would compliment me and buy me things, but I would feel I wasn’t worth that much.
It took me 10 years and a problems and issues that we had to deal with for me to realize that I didn’t need to have my walls up because I felt that if I did I would miss out on the most important person in my life, and I couldn’t give my whole heart to him.
I deal with depression, anxiety, and panic disorders. I take medication for these issues. As I got older my past crept up on me, it caused the depression the thoughts of worthlessness of being no good and not being good enough for someone to love and be with. My next step is to talk to a councillor to deal with everything from when I was young till now being an adult.
Christina's Blog 